Match Report

Confucius say that man with forked tongue can pick up his own food as he already has a spearing utensil. So what happens to the knife and spoon? Do they somehow get time-warped into some parallel universe and end up fighting Chinese noodles for the rest of their natural?

Not surprisingly then the Sunday Vets team, all 15 of us, were biting at the bit with the potential to get one over on those "brave men in blue" and to finally leave our recent record to date of negative wins to the long distant shores, where only bluebottles get hit in the summertime by adults wielding rolled up copies of "Titbits".

But before the battle of the bulge began the team in their new red apple kit, were due their annual "So who’s got fatter than last year''s embarrassing photo competition?" being taken by Vic "The Shutter" Farrow. Not surprisingly the winner once again by tonnage increase of a couple of cider kegs, was Toby "The Lardy" Manchip. All that weight going forward would make your average Sumo hide under a sale item lampshade.

So to the game. After winning the toss we decided to play the way we were facing, mainly due to the average pain barrier we would incur by having to trot at least another 50 yards (I''m no metric man) before the starting whistle, to the other side.

Anyway the game began apace, and for the first 20 minutes or so we were giving as good as we got. Not unusually the "Old Bill" then began to complain about every ref decision not going their way. It’s reassuring to know that we are being protected by such gallant chaps, with the summation that we are all safe in our homes, as long as they don’t come round during the day to find a hidden whistle in the dresser.

Unfortunately they then attacked down the right and with the resulting cross their player shot the ball in the general direction of our goal only to be met by our keeper practising ball avoidance strategy, who jettisoned like a slayed aardvark being felled by a peashooter and totally missed the ball. One nil to the cops. This was a tad unlucky, as up to now we were more than their match.

Some time later we got a free kick just outside their penalty box. Pat "I’m a Trainer" Mongelard duly wound himself up for the necessary leg power, and truly let off the howitzer, only to be deflected into the corner by a rozzer''s leg. 1:1.

The next few minutes past ,and with them on the attack again, they broke into our area and as their player let off a lacklustre blow, our keeper once again misjudged the rollerball pancake and missed saving by 2 sugared almonds of a lemon jiffy. 2:1.

Moments later Chris "Of No Fixed Hairstyle" Ponulakkkkkkkkkkkky, let a lob go, which mesmerisingly sailed over the goalkeeper to level the score 2:2. It stayed like that until just before half time, when they once again went ahead. 3:2.

Our half-time chat over, we were sure we could get another decent performance with just 45 left, and with new players on the pitch including Stewart "lee van cleef look-alike" Savage, Roger "Parlez-vous" French, and Kevin "Little Drummer Boy" Pompey, we felt a win approaching. Unfortunately with about 20 minutes to go we ran out of puff and finally went trailing into the dressing room having lost by an admirable 5:2.

But it was an admirable performance by all of us. We are notably getting fitter and we seem to be wanting to put a bit more in the game, so well done lads.

Quote of the game "You''re doing a good job there holding the ball up, and I will keep using my speed".............

Don’t forget the training.

Man of the match Steve Blanchard.....well done.

Luv ya .......Jimmy the Fish


Fourth game of the season, and still no victories; however the standard of the teams we have faced, Wickham, Cudham, Maidstone, Met Police, is arguably as hard as any played by any FOBG team. Performances have improved steadily each week to the stage where we have genuinely matched both Maidstone and Met Police for long periods of those games; Sunday’s game was lost only due to fitness.

This week we entertain Orpington (not Lynwood) a game dare I say that is totally winnable. It’s our 20th game at home since the start of last season, and in that time we have yet to pay for a ref saving the club £500, a big thanks to Richard, Couch, Mick Gearing, Glyn, Paul Parsons, Neil, well done.
Things are looking up, great team spirit, mouth watering food after home games, new training facilities, smashing new kit, and a win just around the corner, come on the Vets.

Toby