Match Report

I think we would all agree that this was one of our worst games for a long time. We started the game with 3 players carrying injuries and suffered another injury to a 4th player early on. Not the best way to attempt to win your first game of the season against one of the younger vets teams that we play.

The reverse fixture also resulted in a number of injuries and left us short of players with Micky Gearing helping out in that game. Micky turned up to enjoy a bit of spectating and ended up being roped in to referee the game so we could bring Richard Cawker on to shore up the crumbling team. By half-time we were 3-0 down, had lost Patrice to an ankle injury and Graham Seymour to a hamstring with Colin E struggling and me suffering the effects of a dead leg received 3 weeks ago. As you can imagine, this resulted in a number of formation changes just in the first half. Lynwood scored after 5 minutes from their first corner when the ball rather luckily hit their attacker and evaded Toby and the defenders on the line. They then went on to score a couple more good goals whilst we struggled to get the ball into the Lynwood half with their keeper being largely redundant.

At half-time Micky took over the whistle while Richard replaced me in defence. As usual Toby Juggler was champing at the bit to get out on pitch and as Graham volunteered to take over in goal (despite the injury) the juggler was released to create havoc. With his first bit of action resulting in a throw-in he turned to me and said I think my hamstring has gone! We finally managed to get a shot on goal after 10 minutes of the second half and overall had an improved second half. However it did not improve enough to score or slow Lynwood down and they went on to add two more goals to their tally.

We know it was a poor performance but a word of thanks go to Micky for taking over the reffing, Richard for playing the second half and Graham for taking over in goal. Next week is going to be very tricky as a result of injuries particularly in light of an away trip to Maidstone.

Rog

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So here we go, and here we go, and here we go, oh, oh, oh, oh, rocking all over the pitch (made the charts September 77, unlike us who never made the penalty area 2006!!) After the valiant play against the Rozzers a fortnight ago, it’s amazing what a couple of weeks can do, too much lips under the beer taps, or too much eggs, chips chips eggs and chips--, who knows? One thing was for sure, is that we never really got out the starting blocks, let alone sprint down the track, even with the finishing tape in sight, we would be lucky with a last position.

This was awful lads......lack of spirit, lack of drive, lack of skill, lack of oxygen tent, the thought of actually crossing the half-way line was a bonus.

So, even after an agonising 3 minutes played we were one nil down. When from a corner, their number 6, being hotly pursued by an inflated Big Mac i.e. me, powered a header in from 3 yards while I was contemplating the big match combo with extra fries. From then it just got worse. We were in chaos, all of us ----on the pitch with nowhere to go. Then the injuries started.....first to go was Pat "albatross" Mongelard, hotly followed by Chris ”the goose" Bourlet. Yes it was just a seamless mass of unwanted "old-birds” out there. Where were the eagles when we wanted them, the poachers, the starlings, the seagulls to swoop us up give us some bulls to fight on? But it was not to be > The same old lame ducks just kept plodding along looking for their safety puddle to play in. Heh but isn’t it time for another injury? Yep, yep, yep, and Colin ''parrot" Ebdon truly obliges with a hamstring pull, but just like the giant he is, carries on to the end of the mauling. Well, half time doesn’t come soon enough, and being 3 or 4 nil down, we crowd around, clean out the nest, and try to regroup.

SECOND HALF STARTS BRIGHTLY and I think we string 3 passes together before they score again. But by now Toby "overweight penguin" is now centre forward of the year, and Graham “the emu" Seymour, is in goal, only to let in their 5th. Never mind he went on to make some fine saves, and to keep the score in single figures. Play of the day was certainly in the second half when Chris ''bullfinch" Ponulakkkkkkkkky gets the ball inside his own half and fires a pinpoint pass to Dave "6 years bird". Unfortunately for Dave, he did not realise that the "Sweeney Swat Team" were hiding in the trees and that their main sniper "Dead Eye Duck" had a magnum 45 directed in his vicinity and (with the silencer on) guns him down just like a "Dirty Dawn". Dave "I''m in for life" Assaltine collapses like a sack of potatoes , screaming "it’s a gull, it’s a gull". Not surprisingly it was not a goal, but he certainly got marks ten out of ten for the floundering slump to the ground. Luckily for us, it was only a flesh wound; he soon got up unruffled his feathers and swam on. Also gliding along happily, and just back from intensive care (remember the previous third-degree burns incident with Colin "Don’t hold ‘em, count ‘em" Mant was flapping about all over the pitch, getting nowhere fast.

Anyway so what if we lost 5 nil, it was the manner of the defeat that was the problem....nobody played well, and although we were better in the second half but it wasn’t much better. So to complete the line-up this week we had, Steve "the gannet" Blanchard, Toby "that’s two rounds on the trot" Harlow, Lee "Holy-Oak" Southby, Roger “La Pidjun" French, Neil “who needs a car key" Smith, and last but by no means least Richard "Am I allowed to use a whistle?" Cawker. No worries me old flip-flips, we’ve only got Maidstone away this week, so don’t go a hiding......and don’t forget to get "tooled up". Crazeee team, crazeeeeee guys. Love ya.