Match Report

Sunday 19th May 2024, keep the date free. Ben Tomkins said in his opening WhatsApp message to the group. It seemed like a good idea at the time………..

I bet all of us, at some point over the last 4 months, has had at least one of these thoughts: "I’m going to roll back the years", "I can still do it", "the legs haven't gone" and "don’t fart on the pitch, remember your age, it could be disastrous". 

A few of us did actually roll back the years thank you very much. Lee Shep came over to me after being named sub saying "Ed’s taking the piss isn’t he? I’m on the bench ffs". Shep used to say exactly that almost every Saturday 24 years ago. I showed I’ve lost absolutely none of the pace or workrate I never had, Paul Parsons spent the whole game berating the ref, Ivor dropped his pants in full view of females (more about our friend Ivor a little later), and Matt Peters was orchestrating the midfield with lots of pointing and organising.

I’d honestly looked forward to putting the FOBG shirt on again for ages, the thought even had me honestly considering a comeback next season for the older vets. Unfortunately I still havent put the FOBG shirt back on, because I couldn’t find one that would fit. Even so, I managed the walk from the changing room to the pitch without the need for a defib.

Just before kick off, I looked round and for a couple of seconds knew how confused Marty McFly must have been. It was a vets game. The opposition were all vets age, yet I was old enough to be the dad of at least five of their team, and two in ours were old enough to be my dad. The time and space continuum was quite truly utterly buggered for 90 minutes.

We actually did really well for the first half-hour, Gary Harrigan putting us 1-0 up with a cracking chip from all of 25-30 yards out.  Ivor made a couple of really good saves, whilst also looking like a performing seal (or should that be walrus?). When he was flapping at other shots. And I've never seen a 66 year old make a save whilst his shorts and pants fell down. Good performances all round. Those of us that haven't played for over 20 years tried as hard as we could, whilst the younger lads in our team who still play, kept on encouraging the rest of us and put in that extra bit of effort to make up for us more senior ‘players’. I had a chance, but the brain knew what it wanted to do whilst the feet just thought "piss off".

I’m afraid most of the match remains a blur, mainly because i spent the whole time concentrating on not farting, but I do know we were 1-0 up when myself and my old school mate Paul Parsons were subbed just after the 30 minute mark. Tuchel did the same for Bayern away at PSG with his best two players, Ed really should have taken note (only joking, there’s no way Paul is one of the best two players)……

So I think it was 3-1 at half time. We’d lost Dave Said to injury, Shep to sulking (well, he said his hammy had gone). The concern was we were running out of subs, and Chris Viner's elderly 14 year old dog Carlos, looked fitter than almost all of us. Ed rolled back the years himself with this tactical masterclass of a team talk "Right, same team that started can start this half". Matt Peters was chuffed to bits as it meant he could sit down again, and Shep looked crestfallen as he once again took the flag.

The second half didn't quite go our way. Ivor was taken off to a lovely ovation. He really is a sexist, misogynistic pig, but he’s OUR sexist misogynistic pig, and he deserved the applause. Mind you I had to laugh hearing him ask why we hadn't made the game half-hour each way. I wasn’t laughing for long mind you, popping my calf when running (yep, RUNNING), for a ball. And you lot always wondered why I was lazy. That’s why I was lazy, look what happens when Ii bloody run……

The scoreline was getting worse by the minute, but redemption was at hand. Whilst our bench began to resemble a casualty tent during the Somme, the opposition inexplicably ignored the 7 day transfer rule and signed one of our players. They didn't even try to hide it either. Gary Harrigan played the last 10 minutes for the opposition, in a top a completely different colour than everyone else, AND scored. Having spoken at length last night to a senior member of the FA, I was initially delighted to be informed that we had actually been given the victory, but when he found out we had a sex offender in goal he told me to bugger off.

So to the bar, which was always always full of laughter all those years ago, and it honestly felt like we’d gone back in time. I just wish I could have stayed longer. The man of the match vote was unanimous in being awarded to Ivor, with runner-up being given, by me, to me. And then the highlight of the day. The thing we all knew about, but nobody would say. Ed gave a speech. Well, it wasn’t a speech, he read a tabloid news report about one of our players. Our very own Dick Emery, Ivor "Move your arse before I f@@k it" Swatton. Absolutely priceless, I haven't laughed so much in years.

Finally, on a serious note, it was amazing to see so many old friends and faces. Apologies if I miss you out but it’s not intentional. I joined the club over 30 years ago now and FOBG has been a huge part of my life. Having one of my boys playing now on a Saturday means the world to me and keeps that connection alive. Some i still see on a Saturday if I'm watching Tommy; the likes of Couch, Ed, Colin, Sarah and Sticky Viner, Steve Blanchard and Jez, but yesterday, seeing Paul and Ray Tant, Neil Connelly, Matt Peters, Dave Said, Todd Arnold, Nick Waller, plus all those mentioned in this report, really really was just a beautiful thing. It also made me think of those we’ve lost in that time. Yesterday was about all of them as well.

The end credits for this report show the team, and subs, plus lines-person (see what I did there Ivor, you sexist pig).

Ivor "cor look at the tits on that" Swatton.

Paul Parsons

Mark "can't talk can't walk" Friend

Ben Tomkins

Richard Tapsfield

Ben Duffy

Gary "the chip" Harrigan

Steve "Sticky’"Viner

Chris "I’ve turned into my dad" Viner

Paul Burford

Darren "I don't think that was a fart" Chalker

Subs

Dave "my arse has gone" Said

Matt Peters

Steve Blanchard

Charlie "food mixer" Kenward

Peter Morton

Lines-person (Ivor you disgust me)

Lee "Ed's taking the piss now" Sheppard

Hope to see you all for a game against a more senior vets team this time next year.

Over and out.

Chalks