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Match Report

Sunday 26th March 2006


Senior Vets
0 - 1
Orpington Vets

By Chris Ponulak

Manager makes another number of random changes to set our hearts on fire and send us out into the tundra expecting our first win of the season. So like all the other weeks we take to the field bandaged, oiled, waxed, and waiting for our elusive first success on the green stuff.

Joking aside you could tell it was mummy’s day, with all the bandaging going on in the dressing room even Tutankhamen would not have looked out of place!! Pat "Winker Watson" Mongelard was straight back from the operating table, and raring to go with his new heavily casted foot.

With the usual dressing room pressurised talk of "this is our day lads" and "hey! come on boys let''s try and play some football, hit the box early, use the channels, mark up tight, don’t lose your man, keep on going, shots on target, try the sweeper system, shoot on sight, back each other up, look for space, help ya man, don’t get pushed off the ball, be strong, and tally ho chaps".

To be quite honest I had lost it in the pre match jip, and that was even before (for the second week running) Dave "Bend over and I''ll show you what I learnt in H-Block" had borrowed my jar of vas..................?

As usual we started brightly, and passed the ball around well, keeping possession, and easily being the better team. The midfield of Toby "Rasher" Harlow. Chris "Biffo the Bear" Ponulakkkkkkkkkkkky, and Colin “Baby Face Finlayson" Ebdon, were running around tackling well, and winning most of the ball. But unfortunately most of the play was around the midfield area, with it being quite difficult to get out of our own half.

But not to worry as Plato once said "well Geezer, as long as you ain''t let a goal in ya can’t be losing en ting". Philosophical stuff indeed and we could have done with him up front, all that wax lyrical would of spellbounded their ageing defence.

None to worry by now of course we had gone 5 minutes without an injury - a record in itself. But heh wait a second who’s that limping over there...................yep you guessed it, the magic sponge unable to fulfil its own wizardry, left a tired and emotional Lee "Simply Smiffy" Southby limping towards the tunnel with a pulled hamstring. Strange thing really as there’s certainly no evidence of string, and a total lack of ham. How about a pulled salami string.............. Easy Tiger!

Anyway half time approaching and score at 0-0 we get a free kick just outside the box. Up steps Chrissy "Lord Snooty" Ponulakyyyyyyyyyyyyy, who lets go a whiz bang of a piledriver and at the same time jettisons his groin area over the trees. The shot is well saved by their "Chubby-Chunks" goalkeeper, but leaves Ponulakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkky more than counting his chips....off he goes, and another team injury. This now brings me to the special offer B.U.P.A. are doing for fat old sausages who still think they can run around like in the "Good Old Days".

But we have subs and on runs a befitting replacement in the full figure of Chris "Biffo The Bear" Bourlet, who strides on like the giant he is........... Well the game gathers pace and we go close a couple of times with long range efforts by Paul "Nasher-Rasher" New Boy and before that by Dave "Porridge" Asseltine, our own little Billy Whizz.

Unfortunately a break down in the midfield leads to one of their players strolling past Steve "Julius Beezer" Blanchard, and Trevor “Colonel Blink" Stewart to pass across the goal for them to score. Crikey!!!!!!

This led to renewed efforts, and we tried to "Up" our game, with some good interplay, especially on the left through Neil "Hungry Horace" Smith and Kevin "Numskulls" Wolstencroft. But alas with all our renewed vigour we just could not manage to get the equaliser we so richly deserved.

So here we go, and here we go, and here we go again...............another match another loss, but again a good all round performance.

Congratulations to this week''s man of the match which was won by some astute catching and kicking of the circular thing, our goalkeeper Steve "Baron Von Reich’s Pudding" Tanner.

So once again a bad day for the Bash Street Kids..........I was thinking if we could just get the assistance of Tricky Dicky Dee, Korky The Cat, Winker Watson, Thingummy Blob, Roger The Dodger, and the full membership of the Pup Parade we may have something? But then again I suppose even we as a team could never get that desperate.............DAN!!!!

Crazee Team........ Crazee Guys.......... Love Ya