Saturday 20th September 2014
By Luke Johnson
My first report as first team manager, or Matt Ellis' assistant according to Couchy (ridiculous).
As I am now in charge of the first team these match reports will no longer contain moments of hilarity and fun, but will be packed full of stats, in-depth analysis and individual critique. I jest.
We played a revolutionary 4-4-2 formation, mainly because of the 22 players we have signed, only 11 and me decided to make the journey to Kidbrooke. It's not scary anymore gents, there's a "Village" there and everything now.
The line up was as follows:
Lee Gibbs - All the cycling has paid off as Gibbo looked years younger than he did last season;
Greg Palmer - Informed me 25 minutes in that he had forgotten how to play football;
Joe Slater - think he had his feet on the wrong way round;
Matt Reynolds - Got in at a respectable 5am on Saturday. I made him captain because of this new, mature, attitude;
Tom Rush - Great player. I will force him to have a shower and a conversation before the end of the season;
Rich Pile - Pulled his rectum again. Got cramp bang on 70 minutes. Obviously;
Kobi Johnson - String puller in the middle. He's a teacher so I won't say anything rude as I don't want a detention;
Alex Barnes - Luckily for us all he brought his calm, composed, alter ego Zander to the game with him. Scored a goal. Got an assist. MOM. Terrible boots;
Steve McQueen - Runs around. Very quickly. Hates passing. Scored with his bum after playing a 1-2 with the post. Missed a pen;
Luke Foulsham - Moans. A lot. About everything. Scored again, I've never seen him not score. Still haven't forgiven him for playing for Coney Hall against Crescent 10 years ago;
Aaron Harman - Could start a fight in an empty room. Lovely hair. Likes talking about fast cars. I taught him everything he knows when I coached him a few years back;
Me - Shored up the game by coming on upfront. I am a natural striker;
Random Changing Room Man - He popped in. Sat down, said hello to everyone, was about to get changed and then realised he didn't know us and his team were elsewhere. His attitude stank to be fair, and he will not be getting a call to reappear for us.
In all seriousness a great result against a strong side. Made it hard to drop anyone, which is what we want. In our 3 games so far we have equipped ourselves well considering we are still relatively unfamiliar as a squad.
Only moan from me is the lack of drinking after games. Only me and Joe had a pint, so we don't need to pay subs next week.
We found a wallet in our dugout and handed it in, we are a good bunch.
Me and Steve McQueen got abused, brilliantly, by their lino. He was so eloquent in his tirade it made us both laugh.
We need to start scoring penalties as I can't have Ellis thinking we miss him.
Man of the match: Alex Barnes